Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Gift of Lost Sight

Last Thursday, I began to lose sight in my left eye.  It just so happened an eye doctor was in our little town for three days.  I saw him that day.  And then the next day, when my sight deteriorated further.  And again the next day when the darkness continued to creep in.  It was nothing to worry about…just a little inflammation.  No work was allowed, just rest and a drop in the eye. 
Somewhere in one of the quiet moments of rest, the Lord planted a seed in my heart.  “This is a gift,” was all He said.  No explanation.  No pretty package portraying what kind of flower would bloom from this seed He had carefully buried  in my heart.
And then, the gift was everywhere.  It was the sweet things I saw with my right eye.  A smile.  My husband working tirelessly.  My sister-in-love laying on the bed with me to talk.  It was the sweet things I heard.  The laugh of two sweet redheaded boys, a prayer said over me, text messages pouring in from concerned friends.  And it was what I felt.  Blessed for the chance to slow down and appreciate all I have been given.  
By Sunday afternoon, my eye sight had continued to deteriorate.  We packed up the house and prepared to head to the capital for a second opinion.  Friends were already praying, making appointments, and providing a safe and loving place for my children to land. 
And the gift was love.  Always much love. 
Monday.  Oh, how long ago it seems.  We arrived to the capital in amazing time considering the fact that the drive shaft dropped out of our car a short way into the journey.  A friend quickly loaned us his car and we arrived, dropped the kids off to a saint of a woman, and made our way to the clinic. 
The appointment with the ophthalmologist led to an MRI.  What at first seemed like wild video game noises, led to a migraine and tears, but still…this was a gift, right?
Yesterday, how strange it seems to type that word for it could have as well been a year ago, I awoke to complete loss of vision in my left eye.  I noticed that when the light flicked off, a strange desperation filled my heart to flick it back on as soon as possible.  A bit of fear finally settled in my heart.  Tears waiting to fall, I opened to the Words of Life.  “For when our sufferings increase, so does our consolation.” 
This time the gift looked a bit less becoming, more foreign to my eyes, for the gift was suffering, a greater chance to know the immeasurable depth of His consolation. 
Calmed, we headed out for another day of pokes and prods and questions.  Our attending physician speaks perfect English, strange comfort since I feel at home in Spanish, and the other is a world-renowned Retinologist. 
“I can’t promise you that you will regain any sight, but we must act quickly to protect the other eye,” they warned stoically.  Prepared to receive a diagnosis of a virus or even MS, I had not allowed myself to entertain the notion of the permanent loss of my sight. 
That of course, is still to be determined.  The door is not shut.  For in these days, the Lord God of the universe has at His step another persistent widow.  She bears the face and speaks with the voice of a thousand friends around the world, unceasingly begging for grace and peace and if it would please Him, the restoration of sight. 
I too pray.  Mostly, mostly for the ability to see the Gift.  To accept whatever should fall from His hand as something beautiful and perfectly chosen for me, be it blindness total or partial, be it complete healing and a life much unchanged.  And I pray that this tender green shoot of faith, which I hold onto for dear life, will be a gift back to Him as well.   For there is no offering too large to be placed on His altar, especially the altar that birthed the Gospel, of which we came to speak. 
Currently, I am undergoing a series of high dose intravenous treatments.  After but one night hospitalized, I was allowed to come to be with my family, to wade through these murky waters together.  I would be a fool to deny that we feel the threat of flood, but we are not afraid for we hear His voice echoing, even in the unknown closets of our hearts, “when you walk through the flood, I will be there.”
And that, for today, is the gift
I will likely be unable to post regularly for some time.  Even now, this is a stolen moment, a forbidden one, but I had words which needed escape.  I hope God will speak to you through them and that you too will take on the face and the voice of the persistent widow on my behalf!

20 comments:

Ryan and Rachel Cote said...

Praying for you Shilo and your family as well! Your trust and faith is beautiful and humbling to me!

the Chacogirl said...

I can hardly write through my tears. We will continue to pray for you and your family. Be it for complete healing or for acceptance of what God has in store for you. You are an amazing and beautiful woman, inside and out. And I count it a blessing to know you! Hugs, Brenda

Jungle Mom said...

God bless you and we are praying! May I post this for my Sunday faith blog?

Kathleen said...

Shilo, I am blessed by your words and your faith as you experience, 'this gift.' Your expressions of faith have landed deep within. Walking with you, close in the Spirit even though we are so far apart on this earth. Love and blessings to you all, such a dear family.

Betty said...

You are an inspiration to all of us Shilo!! We will continue to pray and hope for a miracle. We will pray that you continue to see "the gift" and feel peace and strength in this stormy time!

Caroline said...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour,... Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you!"

Becky Aguirre said...

Shilo, I have been praying for you constantly, even when I wake in the night...thank you for making the effort to write because this post is a blessing to all of us! God bless you and know that we continue to pray!

Julie said...

I am reminded of Jesus' words in Luke 4:18-19, his mission on earth:

The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.

Praying for God's healing touch for you, dear Shilo.

Ana said...

I had the same happen to me on both eyes, it was scary and I felt like I was not able to take care of my daughter, just like you I saw beyond the inability and embraced God's blessing and command for me to rest. Thank you for sharing dear Shilo, hope you have a marvelous Thankgiving♥

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you guys. You will not be alone no matter what the journey brings. Praise the Lord that you have such a large base of support. You don't just have all of us but you have the one you can really count on..Jesus.

Jessica

Brenda said...

Praying for you Shilo. . . .

Dayna (Spear) Guenther said...

Your attitude through all of this is a blessing. You are in my prayers.

Josie said...

Praying for you, girl! God is good, all the time. Thanks for sharing your heart. HE IS worthy of the trust that you're putting in HIM.

Ashley L said...

Shilo, I am praying and asking others to pray as well! Again, your faith is inspiring. I am praying for a complete healing and for God to sustain you and be your peace and your home even more today than ever.

Alisha said...

You are well aware of how many He is using you to impact through it all. I am inspired - to continue on my knees for you and yours.

Jana said...

Praying for you Shilo!

Janna said...

I read your posts over at "Missionary Mom" and I am always blessed by what you have to say. Will be praying for you!

Hillengrandma said...

Shilo, I, too, am praying for you. What a blessing you are to so many. I am Becky Liles mother.

Glitter and Bliss said...

Oh my goodness. I just read your comment, and I so sorry that you have been going through such a scary ordeal. However, you have handled it with such grace. I am so honored to have my little necklace hanging around your neck. I think of you often. I hope your sight continues to be restored. Praying for you and yours.... Leslie

Mo said...

Shilo, as I catch up on what's been happening across the waters I am held in awe and blessed by the words you have shared. I can only imagine the fears that you have faced and the grace that the Father has given you to move into them. You are a gift! Thank you for reminding us how to suffer with a joyful heart for Him. Praying that the Spirit that is alive in you is evident and enticing to all you encounter and that He be glorified through this. I'm also praying for a miracle of complete healing.

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