Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dear Mom, I Think I Know How You Feel

Dear Mom,

I think I know how you feel. 

They left again today.  So excited to be heading towards their dream. 

New home.

New ministry.

New life.   

In my mind, I’m happy for them.  Thrilled really.  It’s so obvious that they were created for this. 

In my heart though, I’m sad.  So, so sad for all the things that I must release to wistful “Someday”.    

Daily phone calls about, “What’s for dinner?” and “They had broccoli at the supermarket.” and “El Principito said ‘I love you’!” 

Spontaneous coffee dates. 

Hugs.  The really tight kind. 

Taking way too long to figure out who’s hosting Friday night dinner. 

Now those things are lost in yesterday.  From here on out, we’ll always be playing catch up.  Trying to somehow find time to fill each other in on the important details of life.  

And the small ones, the ones that I find so comforting and familiar, their telling will be lost in that elusive 25th hour of the day. 

What’s more, I fear there’s coming a time when they’ll mention something that has become commonplace to them, and I will have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.  Their life is so different from mine now.  

Just as it should be.  They’re following hard after Jesus and I’m inspired by Him in them.      

Unfortunately, inspiration doesn’t prevent grief.   My humanity can’t escape the heart squeezing, tear falling, lonely moments.         

Up until now, I’ve always been the one leaving family behind.  My heart still ached, but then grief was tempered by firm conviction in God’s plan, excitement for dreams come true, amazement at God’s provision and care, perhaps even by mere relief to be finally settled in one place again. 

But now, I’m the one staying.  This time, I’m wearing your shoes, Mom.  And it hurts.  Oh, does it hurt to know what you’re losing. 

You never told me what tremendous resolve it takes to smile and cheer when you really want to tie a brick around their ankles and beg them to stay forever. 

I’m wondering if maybe it’s not the ones who “Go” who sacrifice most, but the ones who stay behind.

I think I know now, at least in part, how you must feel when I’m the one boarding the plane, carrying your grandbabies off to distant lands when they’ve only just began to know who you are. 

I’m so glad I have your example, Mom.  You’ve counted the cost for Jesus and it has made it easier for me to do the same.

Both in the leaving and in the loving of one leaving. 

Counting all things lost,

Shilo

7 comments:

the Chacogirl said...

This is a beautiful Mother's Day post, Shilo. I remember the first day of school for Amy, I was sooo sad to see her go without turning back to wave me good-bye. Then, at the last minute, she turned around with her cherubic smile and waved and called out "good-bye, mom, I love you!"
The kids will always remember the time they spent at your home with you as their "mom".

Alicia said...

What an incredible post. Thank you. I always connect with your writing.

Ana said...

This post made me shed some tears Shilo, you are such an incredible woman. Thank you, in a way, this letter is very moving but also very encouraging. I am planning a trip home to see my family (by complete faith) and reading this gave me a boost and toke away the fear of coming back and not having them for long again.

God bless you my dear bloggy-friend and sister.

Belinda Chaplin said...

Lovely post! Very well said...
I also saw that you had a new look, but thought it might now be so recent as I hadn't been on here for a while: but now I know that it IS new! Looks great!!! Like you said: much more "you"!

houghslife said...

Shilo, LOVE the new look and thank you again for sharing b/c you put into words this feeling so accurately. I might have to link to this when we leave again!!

Tim and Susan said...

I was just "mourning" the other morning about the loss of my parents not being more involved and connected to my kid's lives because we are missionaries oversees. It is a loss we have to count....and lay it at His feet.

love, Susan

Ashley L said...

This is a beautiful post, Shilo. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I also love the new look!

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