A Year

One year ago today, we left our home in Paraguay.  I cried for hours.  Actually, I think I had already been crying for days.   

I cried halfway to the capital city.  I cried while we sat at the tire shop getting a flat tire fixed and the men stared at me. 

I cried unashamedly as we fueled the van up and the boy from our church averted his eyes from my pain. 

Despite appearances, I was leaving well.  I had said my goodbyes, did special things one last time with friends, I’d eaten local foods, prayed blessings over precious heads, even left time for impromptu goodbyes.   

I did all the right things, all the things they suggest, but regardless, the act of leaving still threatened to drain the life right out of me.  (Incidentally, I think that’s one of the biggest lies missionaries fall for.  We think that if we UNDERSTAND something, we shouldn’t have to experience the emotions of that thing, be it culture shock, transition stress, etc.). 

In some ways our departure from Paraguay was more painful than others we had experienced because we had worked so hard to put down roots and make it home.  And it had truly became that, against all odds, in under two years.

I still miss it, but I haven’t cried for it again since that day.  I know myself (and His grace).  The leaving is hell, but I’m always ok when I get where I’m going. 

In a strange way, it’s actually a blessing to have gone through so many transitions because now I know myself and how I instinctively handle them, which allows me to adjust my thinking and behavior to be able cope with them healthily.     

And now here I am, three hundred and sixty five days later…in Washington state, a totally different life.  Another change coming, this time a precious little girl joining our family.  This is a transition I haven’t done before (well, at least not in PINK!).  And it will be a goodbye of sorts too, I suppose but I have every confidence that God will guide me not only through it, but also through the emotions of another change, albeit a joyful, desired one.      

There truly is a season for everything…and this year has been proof of God’s loving work, using all things to shape me into His image…sowing in tears, reaping in joy…it’s all His grace. 

Our Peaceful Place

Welcome to our home!  I am so glad you came!  :)  We are blessed to be renting this house from another missionary family who will not need it for the next five plus years.  It’s incomprehensible, in the most wonderful way, to think about not having to move for that long!  

When you walk through the front door (which is to the right of my purse), you enter the dining room.  The table remains my favorite piece of furniture!   

Still to do: The curtains are going to get a little lengthening treatment so I can get away from the high water look (and also hopefully raise the curtain rods a bit so that the ring clips are not competing with the window trim).  Stay tuned!

The dining room and living room are actually one long, skinny room.  This is the furniture I had to work with for this small living space but I was not happy with the lack of color, pattern, varied wood tones or scale (the sofa is much too bulky)!  Alas, that is life when you buy furniture for one rental and have to find a way for it to work in the next.  :)

 

So first, my super talented friend (and now sewing teacher) Brenda made the chair slipcovers and I used a painters drop cloth to cover the coffee table. 

 

Even though it didn’t feel right, it stayed this way until the weather got cold and we moved the couch right in front of the fireplace for staying warm! 

Then it dawned on me: putting the arrangement on the diagonal took away the improper balance of weight in the room!  It felt so much better!  Eventually, I hope to get 2 side chairs (with my Christmas money??) so that we aren’t sitting on hard dining room chairs for visiting with our friends!  :)  But for now, it works and all it cost was less than $15 for the chair slips. 

Still to do: Sew some little pillows to put on the chairs for color and verve .  It’s all a bit predictable right now!  :)  Also, hang some family pictures!  It’s driving me crazy that we only have one picture of family hanging on the walls! 

Across from living room on the left is the entrance to the TV room.  We’ll skip the toy mess and move on.  :)

Next you come to the main bathroom on the right.  The brown shower curtain was one I had on hand.  It was ok, but it just felt like it went a little too well with the 70’s tile, so I used some of my birthday money (thanks Dad and Mom) to buy this fabric.  After a couple of sewing lessons, I completed my first big project!  I’m happy with it. 

Because the ceiling is low, I wanted the shower curtain to go to the ceiling to make the room look bigger, as well as hide the shower head, etc.  Unfortunately, it needs to be a few inches off the floor because of the water drainage. 

I’m hoping to find a pretty burnt orange rug to warm up the space a bit and eventually I think it would look much better to have burnt orange/rust/umber walls too.  The current paint color works well in the rest of the house, but for some reason (lighting?) it doesn’t look that great in here. 

I’d also like to replace the tan towels with burnt orange (if I don’t end up painting) because that would really help the paint color to look less “off” as well (I always have so many plans for my Christmas money!!).  For now, it’s fine!

If you continue straight down the hall, you get to my kids’ room but I didn’t take photos of that either.  Hardly anything is done in there.  I still have beds to paint, hang their names, etc.  The do have their Pottery Barn Inspired Transportation Art hanging though.  :)

Then to the left at the end of the hallway is the master bedroom.  You can see I did a little rearranging since this and this.  I wasn’t happy with the headboard so this is what I came up with for now. Often in the past, I have used a window for the “headboard” but I could not get that to work for me this time because of where the windows are located!  Oh well!  Eventually, we’ll figure out a headboard, maybe even by filling in the other one with some bead board or something. 

The desk was formerly my hall table but it was a lot prettier than my other desk and fit the space better too so it got a coat of white.  I absolutely love it! 

     

The location of the bed is totally impractical for opening the windows, but I’m more “form” than a “function” so for now it stays! 

Still to do: Some sort of art or pictures! 

I’m sure you are wondering about the kitchen…I’ve got a project brewing there (hint: it has to do with the Sermon on the Mount) and I want to finish it first!  But I do have plenty of cabinet and counter space which is such a blessing! 

So, now that we have the house tour out of the way, we can sit down for a good latte and visit a bit!  You KNOW you are always welcome here!   

One Year in Paraguay!

Today we celebrate one year of ministry in Paraguay!  I am so thankful to the Lord for how much this country and her precious people have worked their way into my heart already!  I can honestly say I love it here!

Three moves, learning a new culture and ministry, one major health crisis and 4 extra kiddos made this a busy and challenging year to say the least, and yet I wouldn’t trade what CHRIST has done in me through it all.  I pray that He will continue to increase in my heart and somehow use me to make Him known here in Paraguay.   

Thank you so much for your love, prayers and support over the past year!  I am so thankful for every single one of you who read my blog!   

Also, I hope to get back to blogging regularly again soon.  I have really missed it!  Thanks for your patience while I finish getting settled in house number three and also host some family visiting from Colombia and the United States.  I’ll be back soon with pictures of our new home! 

Dear Mom, I Think I Know How You Feel

Dear Mom,

I think I know how you feel. 

They left again today.  So excited to be heading towards their dream. 

New home.

New ministry.

New life.   

In my mind, I’m happy for them.  Thrilled really.  It’s so obvious that they were created for this. 

In my heart though, I’m sad.  So, so sad for all the things that I must release to wistful “Someday”.    

Daily phone calls about, “What’s for dinner?” and “They had broccoli at the supermarket.” and “El Principito said ‘I love you’!” 

Spontaneous coffee dates. 

Hugs.  The really tight kind. 

Taking way too long to figure out who’s hosting Friday night dinner. 

Now those things are lost in yesterday.  From here on out, we’ll always be playing catch up.  Trying to somehow find time to fill each other in on the important details of life.  

And the small ones, the ones that I find so comforting and familiar, their telling will be lost in that elusive 25th hour of the day. 

What’s more, I fear there’s coming a time when they’ll mention something that has become commonplace to them, and I will have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.  Their life is so different from mine now.  

Just as it should be.  They’re following hard after Jesus and I’m inspired by Him in them.      

Unfortunately, inspiration doesn’t prevent grief.   My humanity can’t escape the heart squeezing, tear falling, lonely moments.         

Up until now, I’ve always been the one leaving family behind.  My heart still ached, but then grief was tempered by firm conviction in God’s plan, excitement for dreams come true, amazement at God’s provision and care, perhaps even by mere relief to be finally settled in one place again. 

But now, I’m the one staying.  This time, I’m wearing your shoes, Mom.  And it hurts.  Oh, does it hurt to know what you’re losing. 

You never told me what tremendous resolve it takes to smile and cheer when you really want to tie a brick around their ankles and beg them to stay forever. 

I’m wondering if maybe it’s not the ones who “Go” who sacrifice most, but the ones who stay behind.

I think I know now, at least in part, how you must feel when I’m the one boarding the plane, carrying your grandbabies off to distant lands when they’ve only just began to know who you are. 

I’m so glad I have your example, Mom.  You’ve counted the cost for Jesus and it has made it easier for me to do the same.

Both in the leaving and in the loving of one leaving. 

Counting all things lost,

Shilo

He’s My Home

We had just moved again. Tearfully saying goodbye to a beautiful season of ministry, I was propelled into another unwelcomed one. For the first time in my life, I was somewhere I didn’t want to be. I was hanging onto my calling to missions, but only loosely. My hand limp, I cried weakly, “God, I can’t do this. It’s too much, this missionary life; this inevitable, unstoppable series of moves from one place to another.”

In the darkest and loneliest season of my life, I wanted only one thing. I wanted to go home. Except we couldn’t. So my cries of inadequacy were quieted only when I sat down with my Bible. One day in that fleeting quietness, I reached Psalm 90: 1, “Lord, through all the generations you have been our home!” Tears streaming down my face, dotting the page, I could not move my eyes from that word. Home. It wasn’t a place 3,000 miles away, it was a person. It was Him.

Slowly over the course of the next few days, I was able to identify what home meant to me, release it and delight in the perfection of my new Home.

I started out by declaring that I wanted to live in the same house on the same street for the rest of my life. No more moves. No more suitcases. 

He gently corrected me.  What I really wanted wasn’t a white house on Main Street, but Him. “Child, the stability you crave is only found in me! I am the eternal, incorruptible Lord. I do not change! I’m the same yesterday, today and forever. I am your home.”

Then I explained that I wanted to be one of the belongers, to have my name written in the collective story, the shared history of a people. No more wondering how I fit. No more being an outsider.

He spoke back, “Have you forgotten? You are already one of the belongers. I chose you before the foundation of the earth. I wrote your name in the epic of the redeemed with My own Son’s blood. You’re not an outsider! You’re accepted in the Beloved and seated at My right hand forever. I am your home.”

Finally, I confessed my longing for deep, meaningful relationships. Friendships that would allow me to barge through the front door with barely a knock, plop down on the couch and tell my truth without fear. Ties unthreatened by the brokenness of my humanity, ties unadulterated by judgment. No more being weighed in the balance. No more exhausting guardedness.

This time He whispered. “Child,” he said, “this freedom to barge into an earthly den and be met with open arms? It’s only a shadow. I am the fulfillment, the One casting that shadow. You have free access to Me through the Spirit! I welcome you to pour out your heart boldly and frankly, though you are broken and naked and lacking. There is no condemnation for you at this throne. Only grace. I am your home.”

It’s been seven years (and as many moves) since the light of Home shined hope into that dark season of my life. Still, I have much to learn about this exchange of temporal for eternal, of seen for unseen, of the shadow for the fulfillment. How thankful I am that the Spirit faithfully directs me Home to the One who satisfies my every longing.

“That something we long for, whether it be an island in the west or the other side of a mountain or perhaps a schooner yacht, long for it in the belief that it will mean joy, which it never fully does, because what we are really longing for is God.” --Sheldon VanAuken, A Severe Mercy

An Empty Shampoo Bottle

It might not mean that much to you, an empty shampoo bottle.  To me, it’s a sweet comfort.  A little reminder that we’ve been in ONE place for three and a half months now.

Before we arrived to the Chaco of Paraguay, we had lived in five different locations in the course of 14 months.  Most of those places kept with them a partially used shampoo bottle, evidence that we had passed through.     

Don’t feel sorry for me though.  While I would PREFER to live in the same house for the rest of my life, it’s not an all consuming desire like it used to be.  Now I know that my Home travels with me, or I should say, I travel with Him. 

Still, I thank God for the small comforts He offers me in my flawed humanity, things like squeezing that last little bit of shampoo out for one more wash. 

Don’t miss My Two Favorite Things Giveaway!  You have until Sunday night to enter!
Photo: contrapart

We've Got Wheels

We are so thankful for the Lord's provision of a 95 Mitsubishi Delica 4x4 van. THANK YOU to everyone who gave so generously to this project!

It's hard to believe we have been here for 3 weeks already. Our orientation is going really well and we are enjoying it, though I confess I'm starting to feel VERY anxious to get settled in our home up north. It's always hard to be in limbo, but my longings for a home of our own bring me back to the sufficiency of my REAL HOME.

Exhausted but Awake

If you're reading this on Monday, June 15th, please say a prayer for us as we fly to Paraguay! It's pretty much a 24 hour deal for us...getting up at 2 am (well, I might just stay up since it's 12:30am and I haven't gone to bed yet) and getting in about midnight, but then we will need to go through customs, load luggage, etc.


Please pray that we will all be able to sleep on the plane, that our attitudes will reflect our love for the Savior we long to share with the people of Paraguay and for all the adjustments that being when we touch down in our new host country. I'm so glad we know Spanish already and don't have to worry about that detail! :)



Many blessings on you, my friends! Thanks for taking time to care about my sweet family!

Four Days to Take Off

The boys are both sleeping so I thought I would update you...we are FOUR DAYS from our departure to Paraguay!

What I'm doing: Emptying cupboards and closets, cleaning as I go. Confirmed today that we get 70 pound suitcases. YES!

What I have left to do: Target run, scan pictures, sort some paperwork, love up on my hubby and kiddos, write thank you notes (that might have to wait until we get to Paraguay...wouldn't people love to get a Paraguayan stamp? I might console myself with the thought!)

What I'm feeling: At the moment, I'm excited to get there and get settled. I'm not going to think about the fact that we will be in the country for a month before we can actually get settled.

What I'm learning: Last week my honey said something in his message which really cut to my heart, "Anything you put above God in your life is an idol". The Spirit convicted me that I have been putting my desire for permanent housing situation and a life without moves above my desire for Him.

Then yesterday, I read this verse, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Now, I don't have a ton of time to delve into the context at the moment, but to me it was a WOW moment. When I allow my desires to occupy more of my mental energy than my desire for God, I miss out on the grace that He longs to give me. I can take that idol and give it to Him and trust Him to give me the grace to deal with my life at the moment. If it will bless Him to give me a more permanent home on this earth...awesome...but until then, I choose to lay those desires at His feet and be met by Him in my moments of longing. After all, He's my REAL HOME!

How you can pray for me: A wise use of time, energy, and a Spirit filled heart (kindness, patience, joy in the midst of it all).

The Hidden Benefits of Moving

One of the hidden benefits of moving is finding your old love letters! It was so good to re-read them and just cherish the special moments each one represented. Here are a few of my favorites:

"He loves you."

You see, even the printer knows I love you (Honey original).

If I were the sun, I would write little notes to you on all the leaves with golden ink and leave them everywhere for you to find.

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

And my favorite...Nobody's grass is as green as ours.

Indeed...and nothing like a few love letters to bring blessings into perspective. I may not like moving...but at least I get to do it with the love of my life!

"I Could Never...

...do what you do," she says. It is not the first time I have heard this.  In fact, almost everywhere we go, a well-meaning woman will share with me her doubts that she could ever be a missionary. 


The truth is, sometimes I feel like telling her, "I can't do it either!"  It breaks my heart to be away from my family and friends.  It actually physically hurts when I say goodbye...again.  It is exhausting to pack up and
move so regularly. 


You see, I am the kind of girl who would love to live in the same house in some quiet town for the rest of my life, preferably just down the street from my parents.  I do not need adventure.  I crave routine and stability.  I long for a place where I am known and loved for me, where old ladies squeeze my cheek and tell me how much I look like my mother did at my age. 


If I focus on those things, I become so weak that I am frozen in a pond of pity just waiting for the enemy to come fish me out and eat me for dinner.  However, if I focus on Truth, I never give up-because I do not have to do it. He will do it in me. 


Usually when I hear that familiar phrase, "I could never. . . " I just respond, "Yes, at times it can be challenging, but God's grace is always enough for us."  I really mean that.  He really has always met us in
our moments of grief with a breath of comfort, in our hour of exhaustion with an infusion of strength.  When we are weak, He is shown strong.  Everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own, that our only power and success come from Him. 


I think that next time, though, I am going to change my byline.  I will smile and say, "You are right. You couldn't do it, and neither can I.  That is the whole point.  He wants to do it through me and through you, so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect His glory.

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. . . And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, Who is the Spirit. . . But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. . . That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. II Corinthians 3:5, 18; 4:7; 12:10

And the Winner is....

Carolyn G's  cute profile pic

Carolyn G is the winner of our first giveaway!  Congratulations, Carolyn!  You know, I really and truly wish there was some way I could send each and every one of you something.  I look forward to visiting each of your blogs as soon as I am able.

 

We spent a wonderful weekend in Oregon and now my home for the past 9 months is disappearing into boxes!  Packing really brings out the worst in me, or I should say, it shows me a lot of areas where I still need God to work in my heart.  Please do pray for me that I will speak with kindness, respond with patience and have a thankful heart in the midst of this move and transition.  Thank you so much!  Hugs to everyone!  

The Gift of Courage

Photo: allposters.com

I KNOW that it is possible to give courage. I know because I've been blessed by the gift of courage over and over as we prepare to leave family and friends and move to Paraguay.

It was a tear streaked face and a hug so hard that it took my breath away.

It was a group of teenagers and children that surrounded us, laid on hands and prayed after they presented us with nearly $1500 (I know...AMAZING).

It was a group of women offering to bring meals, babysit while we pack, and scrub our floors so we can spend more time with our family the week before we leave.

It is their belief that we can do this. It is their empathy and encouragement.

And it is what has caused my dread to turn to courage and expectation. It is their gift to me. It is God's gift to me. Courage.

*I should clarify that my dread has nothing to do with our future in Paraguay, because I am very excited about that, but rather the whole process of moving and saying goodbyes.*

Let the Packing Begin

We're moving to Paraguay!  If you know me in real life, you know this already, but since I've made so many wonderful new friends since I started blogging, I wanted to tell YOU GUYS the big news too!  

Currently, the move is scheduled for the middle of June.  Between now and then, we are visiting churches and sharing our new ministry with friends and partnering churches across the country.  I can only imagine what an adventure the journey will be with two little guys along.     

We are very excited, but at the same time, it's so hard to leave family and our wonderful church (again).  More on that in another post!  :)  For now, it's enough to say, God is faithful and we trust Him to care for us even when our hearts are torn.