Two Messages on Her Phone

   

Standing next to me, arms around my waist, she holds tight.  I start to move away but her voice stops me and we remain in the comfortable embrace of sisters.  “I keep two messages on my phone,” she tells me. 

I know what she’s going to say.  The first is an encouraging message from a friend and the second is…her voice breaks into my knowing, “One says you are completely blind in your left eye.”

I’m genuinely surprised by her confession.  Tears burn my eyes and I squeeze my lids tight to keep them from falling.  I remember that message.      

The voice which started out strong now falters a bit, but she gathers strength and continues, “The other says that your doctor thinks it’s a miracle that you have your sight back.” 

With that, the floodgates are opened and my cheeks become spillways for tears.  Voice thick with emotion, I manage to say, “I didn’t know.” 

Now her tears join mine.  “It’s just such a miracle,” she whispers. 

“I know,” I say.  “It is.  It really is,” and for one holy, immeasurable moment we both marvel at the miracle. 

I can’t help but think how wise she is to keep that visible reminder of our miracle (it’s hers and yours too because you prayed).  Remembering the amazing things He has done for us not only brings us joy as we rejoice in the favor of our God, it also bolsters our faith that He will continue to work on our behalf and do exceedingly, abundantly above all we can ask or think! 

Are you needing a miracle today?  I encourage you to take a moment to strengthen your faith in His ability to do amazing things for you by remembering what He has ALREADY done!   

photo: tpacific

Bruises Fading, Fears Rising

There are only four of them left.   Streaks of purple and brown, standing as gates marking painful entrance to the river of life, to my life blood.  Gates pried open to give carriage remedy for my blind eye.

Fading to green and yellow now, they’re very unbecoming.  Still, I look at them and cringe a bit as they fade, crumbling away, being toppled by time.  Resentful, perhaps that they are stealing my reminder that I was sick.  That I was blind.  That I was broken.  That I called out to God in desperation, in full trust.  That He was there completely, powerfully encompassing me.

It’s not that I want to stay blind, to stay sick.  I want to see.  I plead with God for His mercy and the complete return of my eye sight. 

But as they fade, these bruises of mine, I find in their wake a wicked host of fears rising.  I should be honest.  It’s really only one fear.  The fear of forgetting.  But this woman, this fear, she quickly gives birth to a thousand children and before I know it they are surrounding me, laughing at me, mocking me.  Their names are mediocrity, normalcy, routine living, lack of the passionate pursuit of Jesus, failure to acknowledge His power and presence in my life again. 

And I don’t want to forget.  I can’t afford to forget.  I want this to be my Ebenezer, an indelible landmark upon the map of my life that God has been my Helper. 

Oh, I know fear will not guide me to the place that I long for.  For my fear is born of self dependence, of self effort, of self importance.  Self would never allow me to circumnavigate these treacherous, rocky straits.  It would not, because it could not for self can only return to self. 

There’s only one way I’ll only survive this storm of reproach and condemnation.  If I look up to my True Compass, God my Helper.  Only then can my ship be guided safely to the peaceful harbor of His grace.  Only then can I arrive whole at the beautiful banks of my homeland and run into His open arms.  Only then can I remain in the land of remembering.

“For the word of God is full of living power.  It is sharper than the sharpest knife, cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires.  It exposes us for what we really are.”  Hebrews 4:12, NLT

A Word of Praise to Our Great God!

Finally!  I am so blessed to be sitting here in my own home, thinking about you, having the chance to write to you myself.  How can I even begin to thank you for accompanying me through these past two weeks?  For walking through them together with me, holding my hand, leading the way when I myself had fallen blind?  Your unceasing prayers and expressions of love bolstered my faith in our Great God and His mighty power to turn all my darkness to light. 

For though I found myself blind in one eye, I was not overcome by fear, nor did I fall captive to the darkness of discouragement.  Indeed, I was surrounded by great peace and true rest the majority of the time.   Only let me be very clear that it was His light, His peace, and His rest. 

And now the blessed light is returning to my left eye as well, rather much more quickly than we had even hoped.  Each day, I see more and feel less disorientation with the disparity in my vision.  Yesterday I was able to see color for the first time and read large letters without great strain.  The distances are still a blur, but I can identify large objects such as cars and trees easily enough.  God has been so gracious to me. 

I want you to know that I am absolutely CONVINCED that this experience has come to pass so that God will be praised, so that together our hearts could exalt His name together.  “My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection.  That is why I can never stop praising You; I declare Your glory all day long.  I will tell everyone about Your righteousness.  All day long I will proclaim your saving power, for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me.”  Psalm 71:8, 15 

As you praise God with me, please also remember to pray for:

1. For good rest.  I have not been sleeping well for the past week.  Mercifully, friends have been helping with the kids and meals this week!  After today, Honey will be on school break as well so he will be available to help with our two sweet, redheaded boys. 
2. My continued healing and the ability to know my limits (not a great strength of mine!).
3. My acceptance of each day, with the vision I have, as a gift from His hand.

I’m so thankful for your part in this miracle! 

Touched by the Healer, Touched by You

Thank you so much to all of you who have tirelessly been praying for me!  It is so touching to be so loved by each one of you.

I wanted to let you know that I am indeed seeing some improvement in my vision.  On Tuesday, I was completely blind in my left eye.  Today, I can see some shadows and shades of gray at short distances.  The team of doctors treating me were very encouraged on Friday when they saw the rapid progress I had made. 

I thank God that today is my last intravenous treatment, and that I will now be taking three weeks of a much lower dose oral treatment which should have very few side effects.  We are looking forward to getting home sometime this coming week but will return in a few weeks to see the Dr. 

If you would like to pray for me specifically today, you can ask our loving and gracious Father to help me focus on each day as it comes.  Right now, two weeks from now, or even tomorrow is just too overwhelming to think about.  One thing I do know is that His grace is sufficient FOR TODAY!  So pray I will dwell there. 

You can also pray for the process of regaining sight.  We are so thankful for any improvement, but it seems like the more I see out of that left eye, the more disoriented I become.  Pray that I will slow down, be gracious with myself and not expect too much and also that I will not be fearful in public when there is much noise and activity surrounding me. 

God is so gracious and kind, and His love has been poured out upon us.  We are truly grateful to Him and to each one of you for your part in carrying us through this journey.  You are very loved. 

The Gift of Lost Sight

Last Thursday, I began to lose sight in my left eye.  It just so happened an eye doctor was in our little town for three days.  I saw him that day.  And then the next day, when my sight deteriorated further.  And again the next day when the darkness continued to creep in.  It was nothing to worry about…just a little inflammation.  No work was allowed, just rest and a drop in the eye. 

Somewhere in one of the quiet moments of rest, the Lord planted a seed in my heart.  “This is a gift,” was all He said.  No explanation.  No pretty package portraying what kind of flower would bloom from this seed He had carefully buried  in my heart.

And then, the gift was everywhere.  It was the sweet things I saw with my right eye.  A smile.  My husband working tirelessly.  My sister-in-love laying on the bed with me to talk.  It was the sweet things I heard.  The laugh of two sweet redheaded boys, a prayer said over me, text messages pouring in from concerned friends.  And it was what I felt.  Blessed for the chance to slow down and appreciate all I have been given.  

By Sunday afternoon, my eye sight had continued to deteriorate.  We packed up the house and prepared to head to the capital for a second opinion.  Friends were already praying, making appointments, and providing a safe and loving place for my children to land. 

And the gift was love.  Always much love. 

Monday.  Oh, how long ago it seems.  We arrived to the capital in amazing time considering the fact that the drive shaft dropped out of our car a short way into the journey.  A friend quickly loaned us his car and we arrived, dropped the kids off to a saint of a woman, and made our way to the clinic. 

The appointment with the ophthalmologist led to an MRI.  What at first seemed like wild video game noises, led to a migraine and tears, but still…this was a gift, right?

Yesterday, how strange it seems to type that word for it could have as well been a year ago, I awoke to complete loss of vision in my left eye.  I noticed that when the light flicked off, a strange desperation filled my heart to flick it back on as soon as possible.  A bit of fear finally settled in my heart.  Tears waiting to fall, I opened to the Words of Life.  “For when our sufferings increase, so does our consolation.” 

This time the gift looked a bit less becoming, more foreign to my eyes, for the gift was suffering, a greater chance to know the immeasurable depth of His consolation. 

Calmed, we headed out for another day of pokes and prods and questions.  Our attending physician speaks perfect English, strange comfort since I feel at home in Spanish, and the other is a world-renowned Retinologist. 

“I can’t promise you that you will regain any sight, but we must act quickly to protect the other eye,” they warned stoically.  Prepared to receive a diagnosis of a virus or even MS, I had not allowed myself to entertain the notion of the permanent loss of my sight. 

That of course, is still to be determined.  The door is not shut.  For in these days, the Lord God of the universe has at His step another persistent widow.  She bears the face and speaks with the voice of a thousand friends around the world, unceasingly begging for grace and peace and if it would please Him, the restoration of sight. 

I too pray.  Mostly, mostly for the ability to see the Gift.  To accept whatever should fall from His hand as something beautiful and perfectly chosen for me, be it blindness total or partial, be it complete healing and a life much unchanged.  And I pray that this tender green shoot of faith, which I hold onto for dear life, will be a gift back to Him as well.   For there is no offering too large to be placed on His altar, especially the altar that birthed the Gospel, of which we came to speak. 

Currently, I am undergoing a series of high dose intravenous treatments.  After but one night hospitalized, I was allowed to come to be with my family, to wade through these murky waters together.  I would be a fool to deny that we feel the threat of flood, but we are not afraid for we hear His voice echoing, even in the unknown closets of our hearts, “when you walk through the flood, I will be there.”

And that, for today, is the gift

I will likely be unable to post regularly for some time.  Even now, this is a stolen moment, a forbidden one, but I had words which needed escape.  I hope God will speak to you through them and that you too will take on the face and the voice of the persistent widow on my behalf!